Why were our Parents especially mothers so abusive?
Why were our parents especially our mothers so abusive when we were growing up? I just touched a nerve by that statement. Probably you are thinking, how dare she call mothers abusive? Who does she think she is? Indulge me because I am a mother and I was raised by a Queen who really punished us when we strayed.
As a mother to an almost seven-year old boy, I am trying to unlearn, relearn, and learn things. I am starting to question things that were normalized as I grew up. More so, I am questioning why our parents especially our mothers were really abusive. Why were they the bad cops always condemning us to corporal punishment? What did I ever do to make my mother so angry that she would just spank me relentlessly to an extent of breaking my leg with a mwiko? I am trying to see the woman through her actions and emotions.
Most mothers are so strict with the first born. The first born always suffered the wrath of our mothers, and in turn, the first born assumed the deputy parent seat. But why were our mothers so serious with our generation while growing up? Why did the first born suffer the most for the wrath of our mothers? Why were mothers so abusive?
Sometime back, I looked at my son and gave him my word that I will not indulge in his beatings. Why did I do that? I saw myself through my mother’s eyes. I saw my son as that little girl who always questioned why her mother was almost bipolar- one time we are laughing and the next she is my punisher.
Now let’s think critically. Our mothers never punished us because they loved us. They used that statement as a justification for their actions. They believed in what they were doing because they were raised by bitter parents. Why am I calling our grandparents bitter? Our grandparents grew in an era of oppression. They were humiliated, despised, and beaten by colonizers. Therefore, where did they release their frustration besides their children?
My mother was always bitter and furious when my father always came around. My father was rejected by my grandfather and thus, he was raised as a reject and he exchanged hands with several guardians. Growing up, all he knew was rejection. He was a child of old age, and his father never had time for him. My grandfather was an oppressor and an abuser who used to beat my grandmother to a pulp. Then he would slaughter a whole cow and nurse my grandmother back to health. When my father was conceived, my grandmother was chased from her home and she lived on the road. My father was born during independence. Therefore, he was born during oppression and all he knew was rejection. Children of abusers become their own abusers.
Why did I give my father’s background? I wanted you to understand the cycle of abuse. Therefore, when my father married my mother, he never knew any better except oppression, rejection, and abuse. My mother knew nothing else besides submission and building a home. She had a different experience because she was raised seeing love among her parents regardless of them living separately because of the different residing places. Therefore, she knew a wife was to be submissive and build her home.
So when my father used to beat her and reject her, all her frustrations would be drained on us. Then my big brothers when punished, they would exert their power by punishing us being the young ones. Then I would punish my small brothers. It was a cycle. Hurt people hurt people.
Most of our fathers were raised in a patriarchal world where they suffered the wrath of their fathers and they knew a woman was to be punished since she was reduced to the level of a child. Our mothers never knew therapy or writing their emotions down and thus, they drowned their frustrations through spanking and whipping us. Our parents suffered a generational trauma where people used violence to exert dominance and power over their subordinates.
If you check bullies and violent people, they grew up in homes where they were oppressed and were never listened to, thus, they assume the bully and abusive personas to reclaim their power. When you constantly beat and spank a child, they are likely to become excessively submissive or violent because of the trauma built. Children of abusers become their own abusers.
Our generation is trying to unlearn, relearn, and learn. We are questioning why we had to be spanked and whether it disciplined us or made us have endless insecurities that we have to compensate for by being bullies on social media or suffer from mental health disorders. When I see people championing for spanking as a reasonable method for discipline, I wonder if they never realize how we feared our parents. We were never disciplined, we were just fearful of our parents.
If you think my theory is far-fetched, check the mothers who relentlessly spank and thrash their children and answer me, aren’t they oppressed? Probably, they are constantly physically abused, emotionally abused, financially abused, or sexually abused through deprivation or infidelity. Answer me this, why were our parents especially our mothers so abusive? Do you honestly believe is because they loved us as they justified their actions, or you don’t think it is that deep?
Let’s discuss. Any thoughts?